Hard Ticket to Hawaii

Howdy all you Supercultists out there on the interwebz!
I’m Bad Movie Professor Cameron Coker (BS in “Bad Acting” with a minor in “Boobs, Bullets, and Blowing Stuff Up”) and I’ll be posting my hype-tacular speeches every week along with some long lost speeches from past Supercult Shows!

From March of 2013, it’s the speech for Hard Ticket to Hawaii!

Hard Ticket to Hawaii Poster

Donna and Taryn operate an airplane cargo delivery service in Hawaii. Their latest shipment includes a large snake destined for the local zoo, but when the delivery is interrupted by an encounter with a pair of gangsters the pair are embroiled in a diamond-laden plot perpetrated by Seth, a ruthless drug dealer. Add in a pair of friendly bazooka toting special agents, a transvestite, a razor Frisbee, a blow up doll, and roller-skating assassins and you’ve got yourself one of the best examples of Andy Sidaris filmmaking! Oh, yeah, and the Snake has, like, radioactive super cancer or something and escapes from it’s crate!! You’ve got a Hard Ticket to Hawaii, and Supercult saved you a window seat!

First, an excerpt from the IMDB Parent’s Guide for Hard Ticket to Hawaii:

Sex and Nudity:
Let’s see. This movie stars several former Playboy Playmates. Of course it is going to have nudity. All of the main female cast is topless eventually, as are many extras and minor characters. They also wear skin tight or see-thru outfits with no bras. Even when not naked they are normally in string bikinis or lingerie. Two love making scenes but nothing especially graphic. Some kissing, flirting, and talk about relationships. Vague references to penis size.

Violence and Gore:
There is a pretty fair amount of violence and gore here. Mostly things like explosions, blood. Finger dismemberment due to razor frisbee, which somehow results in gallons of blood and instant death. A giant snake brutally kills several humans, their rotted corpses are shown briefly.

Frightening/Intense Scenes:
None. The movie is almost always played for comical effect, even the horrible snake murders. Much of the dialog is laughably bad, as are the sex scenes.

The writer and director of Hard Ticket to Hawaii, Andy Sidaris, got his start directing for television such as NFL Monday Night Football, The Hardy Boys & Nancy Drew Mysteries, and the 19th Summer Olympic Games in Mexico City (for which he won a Primetime Emmy). Sidaris then spent the rest of his career making a string of arguably the best (or at least most consistent) B action movies of all time.

Just to give you an idea of what we’re dealing with here, these are just a few of the films he’s bequeathed to the human race since his directorial debut in 1979:

  • Malibu Express (1985)
  • Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)
  • Picasso Trigger (1988)
  • Savage Beach (1989)
  • GUNS (1990)
  • Do or Die (1991)
  • Fit to Kill (1993)
  • Day of the Warrior (1996)
  • LETHAL Ladies: Return to Savage Beach (1998)

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Typical Sedaris movie making strategy entails casting a batch of playboy models as secret agents, giving them ridiculous weapons, bazookas, etc., sending them somewhere exotic and dangerous (like a savage beach for instance) and having them save the world by fighting ninjas, drug lords, helicopters, and wild animals for 90 minutes or so. It also doesn’t hurt to get them all topless or lounging around a hot tub, or both.

Hard Ticket to Hawaii might be considered one of his worst/greatest accomplishments. BUT DON’T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT! Here are some particularly well-phrased IMDB Reviews:

da_flipboy writes:

God Bless this Horrible Movie:
If you liked The Remains Of The Day, Terms Of Endearment, or Steel Magnolias… avoid this movie at all costs. How do you begin to describe a movie with gratuitous nudity, bad acting, an implausible plot, 2-dimensional characters, and bad fight scenes? How do you describe the necessity for a mutant snake, an inflatable doll, skateboarding henchmen and razor-bladed Frisbees in the same movie? Of course, I COULD mention some of the greatest lines of our generation like,”Life is a bitch and then you die.” Or maybe,”Just when you thought it was safe to take a pee.” (I can’t make that up.)

Why would I bother telling you that I searched for years to find this movie on DVD to watch over and over and over again? I dare not watch another movie in this series for fear of besmearching the good name of this gem. Please, please, please, if you have the opportunity, watch it at least once. 

This movie is like how Richard Gere describes the opera in Pretty Woman. Those that love it, will love it forever, and those that don’t will learn to appreciate it, but it will never become a part of their soul. 

Enjoi filmphiles

P.S. I take no blame for mental trauma suffered from watching this film. 10 Stars.

Joel Stephens writes:

First there was the Bicycle Thief, then Citizen Kane, Gone With the Wind, Doctor Zhivago, Gahndi, and now Hard Ticket to Hawaii. Breathtaking cinematography and cunning script writing make this a must-see for all who aspire to create “films” rather than movies. Dona Spier (grossly ignored by the academy) spews forth her lines with an enthusiasm unseen since the great Shakespearean actresses of the 18th century. Andy Sidaris is a shrewd judge of talent and is horribly underestimated, as his films are usually ignored at the Cannes and Aspen film festivals. I rate this a 10.

Things you should know before watching this film:

  • The bazooka damage varies wildly in the movie.
  • When the helicopter is shot down and blows up in mid-air, you can clearly see the rod it is hanging from at the top of the screen.
  • When Rowdy drives his motorcycle out of the back of the van, it’s clear that the motorcycle is already on the ground – and is not coming out of the van – as you can clearly see it resting on the earth.
  • Andy Sidaris actually has a cameo in the film as “Whitey the TV director. Sidaris almost always appeared in his own films, sometimes as the same TV director character. He has also played a part in the softcore porn series, the “Bare Wench Project” as ‘Dick Bigdickian’.
Loud and Proud, baby!

Loud and Proud, baby!

Andy Sidaris died in 2007, but his legacy lives on. Last time I checked you can purchase the complete Andy Sedaris 12 DVD boxed set, “Guns, Girls, and G-Strings”, on amazon.com for $4.50. Hard Ticket to Hawaii has a 46% Audience Rating but no critic score on Rotten Tomatoes and an IMDB score of 3.9 making it one of the highest rated Andy Sidaris films on both sites.

Girls, Guns and G-Strings

So, we’ve left you with a lot of unanswered questions:  What is the context of this razorblade Frisbee scene? What’s the deal with this roller-skating, blow-up-doll holding, assassin? What about the actors and actresses? Who are they? Should I care?  How does the mutant snake play into all of this? And why don’t I already own that Andy Sedaris Box Set?! Stay tuned to the answers of MOST of those questions in Hard Ticket to Hawaii!

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