Laser Mission

Howdy all you Supercultists out there on the interwebz!

I’m Bad Movie Professor Cameron Coker (BS in “Action Girls” with a minor in “Senseless Destruction of Property”) and I’ll be posting my hype-tacular speeches every week along with some long lost speeches from past Supercult Shows!

From June of 2013 it’s the long lost speech for Laser Mission!

Laser Mission Poster

CIA agent/Mercenary for Hire Michael Gold is sent to convince Dr. Braun, the foremost authority on weapons technology and LASERS, to defect to the United States before the KGB acquires him. When Gold realizes that, along with a cache of stolen diamonds, the KGB could force Braun to build them a Laser Canon capable of sending the world into chaos, he inlists the help of Dr. Braun’s daughter Alissa, who drives and shoots like a fellow agent, but unlike Gold, does it all in a stunning blue dress! Can the CIA win out against the KGB and stop those darn Commies from taking over the world with LAZORS?

Laser Mission, aka Soldier of Fortune, aka Battle Dragon in Japan, aka Mission Laser in Canada was released in 1989. Directed by stunt man BJ Davis, known for his work in ‘As Good as it Gets’ and ‘Army of Darkness’, Laser Mission is notable mostly for it’s leading actor Brandon Lee, son of Actor, Martial Arts Master, and Chuck Norris Killer extraordinaire, Bruce Lee.

Starting his acting career in the mid 80’s, Laser Mission was one of Brandon’s first starring action roles. Brandon played CIA Agent/Mercenary for Hire Michael Gold in Laser Mission just three years before his tragic death while shooting The Crow in 1994, cutting short what was sure to be a long and hilariously awesome career, if Laser Mission is any indication.

Brandon plays opposite Debi A. Monahan as the lovely Alissa Braun and Graham Clarke as the incredibly Russian Col. Kalishnakov. Graham is also known for his role as Captain Scott Devers in Supercult classic Space Mutiny!

Laser Mission is unapologetically ridiculous. It appears to be an 84-minute trailer for Brandon Lee himself, attempting to sell Brandon as an actor who can hold his own as an action lead. The entire movie looks like it was filmed with an 80s camcorder and the plot meanders from fight scene to car chase with no coherency. However, if it’s a B-grade action movie you’re looking for, look no further. With a kill count of 75, over half of which go to the leading man, Laser Mission wades through corpses of faceless goons and henchmen with the youthful abandon of a drunken frat-boy chasing a bikini-clad floozy into the surf.

Oh, yeah, and the main song is written and sung by David Knopfler of Dire Straits…so there’s that.

Internet Movie Firearm Database: Laser Mission

Also, Ernest Borgnine is in this film. That’s right. Ernest Borgnine, Oscar Winner, veteran of hundreds of Film, TV, and voice acting appearances in such classics as The Dirty Dozen, Wild Bunch, Escape from New York, McHale’s Navy, RED, and even Spongebob Squarepants, is in this movie, as Professor Braun, certified LASER MASTER. If that doesn’t sell you on this movie I don’t know what will. His unassuming charm and acting prowess are completely smothered by an embarrassingly laughable accent that even Borgnine himself seems ashamed of. The awkwardness in his normally confident voice is palpable when Professor Braun says, “You see, with the Varbeek diamond and my laser, I can create a nuclear weapon.”

You see, Borgnine’s character is supposedly some sort of über scientist, whose knowledge could help the KGB build a nuclear bomb using LASERS and the world’s most precious and recently stolen diamond. How diamonds, or for that matter mastery of LASERS, helps when trying to make a nuclear bomb is anyone’s guess. My only theory is that they just put the diamond and the laser in a room with Ernest Borgnine and after nine months a nuclear bomb is born.

"Do Lasers, Steal Diamonds, Make Bombs, F#&@ Bitches, Get Money." -Ernest Borgnine

“Do Lasers, Steal Diamonds, Make Bombs, F#&@ Bitches, Get Money.” -Ernest Borgnine

Everything else about Laser Mission is disappointing for all the best reasons. The dialogue is hackneyed, the effects are cheesy, and fake accents are laughable. The film is rife with continuity errors, editing faux pas, corny one-liners, and unnecessarily large explosions. The only thing it lacks, surprisingly, is a lot of lasers.

Kain424 of AllOuttaBubleGum.com says it best:

 “It’s like a Bond movie made for a few hundred dollars and a gallon of gas.  We get exotic locales, twisted villains with cartoon accents, and babes with guns.  Would I recommend it?  Hell yes!  Only a complete buzzkill wouldn’t enjoy this one!”

Described as, “the best $1 movie I’ve ever bought,” by one reviewer, Laser Mission has an IMDB score of 3.3 and on Rotten Tomatoes it has no critic review and an audience review of 32%.

Ratings and critic reviews can be deceiving though…all those numbers and percentages with absolutely no context! So as the official Supercult Bad Movie Professor I’m certifying this movie 9 out of 9 Borgnines, 50% Laser, 50% Mission, and 100% approved for Supercult Consumption!

The Supercult Show proudly presents Laser Mission!

SPOILERS:

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