Simon Sez

Howdy all you Supercultists out there on the interwebz! I’m Bad Movie Professor Cameron Coker (BS in “Dane Cook” with a minor in “Sexy Techno”) and I’ll be posting my hype-tacular speeches every week along with some long lost speeches from past Supercult Shows!

From July of 2013, it’s the long lost speech for Simon Sez!Simon Sez Poster

Hip Interpol Agent Simon doesn’t play by the rules, but when the daughter of a close friend is abducted by an international arms dealer he’ll have to throw out more than just the rules to accomplish the mission. Simon will seek the assistance of a pair of computer savvy monks and a wise cracking sidekick to take down the bad guys and save the girl. Remember, the game’s not over until…Simon Sez!

Former basketball star Dennis Rodman stars in this action-comedy-espionage-thriller as Simon, a secret agent who’s attire and attitude are everything but secretive. Brimming with motorcycles, explosions, and painfully unfunny white-people, Simon Sez is a movie that demands very little of its audience and gives even less back. John Pinette and Ricky Harris play the hacker monks, Natalia Cigliuti plays the provocative Claire Fence, and the ever-controversial Dane Cook plays sidekick Nick Miranda. It seems as though the only thing you need to make Rodman a movie star is a handful of comedians and a hot actress from Uruguay. If only we had known sooner! Released in 1999, Simon Sez was Rodman’s first solo starring vehicle, following his dramatic debut alongside Jean-Claude Van Damme in Double Team. At this point in “Actor Dinnis Rodman’s” carreer Dane Cook had more feature film acting experience…

Simon Sez was directed by Kevin Elders, who is known primarily as the writer and producer of the Iron Eagle action movie series. Simon Sez was Elder’s directorial debut…and never did anything else. It’s unclear whether Simon Sez was so bad that Elder was never allowed to direct anything but TV movies ever again, or if Elder realized afterwards that maybe interacting with actors on set was not as great as he had imagined. The gaggle of producers who are credited on Simon Sez however, who previously worked on such supercult gems as Double Team and Double Impact, went on to produce dozens of possible future Supercult movies all the way up to present day. Such is Hollywood…the directors come and go and maybe get thrown under the bus while the producers stick around to keep the supercult fires stoked with bad movie kindling!

Described by Entertainment Weekly as “brimming with spy movie clichés but devoid of the genre’s fun, upper-class pretentions,” Simon Sez had an overwhelmingly negative reception by critics and audiences. The movie grossed a little less that $300,000 on a $10 million budget, has a %0 on Rotten Tomatoes, and is currently ranked 82nd on IMDB’s Bottom 100 list with a rating of 2.4 stars. It beat out Troll 2 at 99th, but didn’t quite match Hulk Hogan’s Santa with Muscles coming in at 59th. Rodman was even nominated for a Golden Raspberry for Worst New Star of the Decade, though he lost out to Pauly Shore in Encino Man. Better luck next time Rodman!

Simon Sez Gif Simon Sez Gif

The New York Times wrote a scathing review saying, “its plot seems as if it had been fished out of the wastebaskets of writers who have written scores of better examples of the genre dating back at least as far back as Dr. No in 1962.” They did admit, however, that Rodman was “inescapably watchable”. I’m not sure what they mean by that last quote. Perhaps they were strapped to a chair and FORCED to watch Simon Sez, because that’s the only reason I can imagine anyone not escaping from the incomprehensible one-liners, idiotic Dane Cook impressions, Dennis Rodman acting too cool for school to the point of being the straight man for all of the comedy, the physics defying action scenes, and (worst of all) the Dennis Rodman techno-rave-sex-fight-scene. Can we count that as sexy jazz?

Tonight we (inescapably) bare witness to the worst rated film we’ve shown this year! Don’t get up! You can’t leave yet! It Ain’t Over Till…

The Supercult show is proud to present, Simon Sez!

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