Howdy all you Supercultists out there on the interwebz! I’m Bad Movie Professor Cameron Coker (BS in “Talking Animals” with a minor in “Movies Based on Historical Tragedies”) and I’ll be posting my hype-tacular speeches every week along with some long lost speeches from past Supercult Shows!
This week Supercult asserts that Céline Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” is 20 times harder to get out of your head than “It’s a Small World”. It’s a fact. We tested it.
Gather around Supercultists and listen to grandfather mouse’s tale of the “real” story of that great ship, the Titanic. It is a tale of romance, camaraderie and, of course, talking animals! Collide with destiny, and krakens! This is The Legend of the Titanic!
Once upon a time, in 1912, a big a$$ ship sank and a lot of people died. This was very sad in a lot of ways, but it was very good for Hollywood, who has milked the tragedy for every ounce of cinematic material it can provide! Over 20 films about, relating to, or featuring the Titanic have been released since the disaster, roughly two every decade. The first was ‘Saved From The Titanic’, released just 29 days after the event and starring Dorothy Gibson, an American Actress who survived the sinking while the most commercially successful is undisputedly James Cameron’s 1997 romantic comedy about a girl who just refuses to share her rafts. However, Cameron’s success was immediately followed by a series of pretenders and hanger-on’s. Chief among them was the first animated feature film about the Titanic: The Legend of Titanic. Released in Italy just two years after James Cameron’s epic, The Legend of Titanic is quite possibly the worst thing ever.
Legend of the Titanic is not to be confused with it’s sister film, Titanic: The Legend Goes On, released in Italy in 2000. While The Legend Goes on boasts an impressively awful rapping dog, the Legend of Titanic takes it to a whole new level.
Let’s break it down. As far as historical accuracy, Legend of Titanic throws it all out at the very beginning by asserting that no one actually died on the ship. Next it steals the plot of James Cameron’s film: Elizabeth, the daughter of a wealthy aristocrat who is about to be married to a rich jerk-wad, instead falls in love with a gypsy, Don Juan. But here’s where it gets loopy. The rich jerk-wad, Mr. Evarard Maltravers has a plan to force Elizabeth’s father to marry his daughter to him so that Maltravers can inherit their family’s whaling business and in order to foil the romance of Elizabeth and Don Juan, Maltravers scheme’s with Elizabeth’s evil step-mother to sink the Titanic with the help of a gang of criminal sharks led by one Mr. Ice and their naïve dog-faced giant octopus friend named Tentacles. Did you get all that? Good, because that’s all technically the subplot to the story of a bunch of immigrant mice that have their own incredibly stereotypical Italian love story. When the mouse Ronnie looks longingly at the human Elizabeth, his friend Connors mouse says, “ I hate to be a spoilsport, but I would like to draw to your attention the fact that she’s a woman, and you’re a mouse!” to which Ronnie replies, “Well, there’s one thing I’m not, and that’s a racist.”
Obviously The Legend of the Titanic was meant as children’s fare (half way through the film talking dolphins fly up out of the water to warn Elizabeth of the plots against her while explaining that they can communicate with humans and apparently levitate thanks to some magic moonbeams) however, the rules of the world are so wildly inconsistent that no self-respecting infant would defend them. The dogs can communicate with humans, but only when other humans aren’t looking. The mice can just walk up to any human and chat them up regardless, going so far as to stage a massive mouse dance party on deck. Meanwhile the sea creatures spend most of their time scheming with the humans, rescuing them from death, or scaring the shit out of them. Tentacles is by far the most terrifying creature ever rendered. He looks like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man had an affair with Davy Jones and a Yorkshire terrier, and then the resulting child grew up into a steroid abusing leviathan.
On top of that, the film pushes a downright weird anti-whaling message while simultaneously taking the stance of a holocaust denier by teaching impressionable kids that the Titanic was a jaunty cakewalk in which sharks jammed the rudder, an octopus threw the iceberg into the ship, orcas saved the captain, and everyone lived happily ever after.
Despite the inanities of its plot, The Legend of Titanic has some fairly good animation. The lip-synching however is atrocious. We might be able to excuse the usual hiccups when translating a film from Italian to English, but sometimes the animals don’t move their mouths at all, and words still come streaming from their petrified face holes. The film is so haphazard that the end credits music isn’t even timed with the credits. After the credits end, the music plays on over a black screen for about 30 seconds.
Legend of Titanic was directed by Orlando Corradi and Kim J. Ok, who have worked on numerous dubious animated features including the The Legend of Sleeping Beauty, Welcome Back Pinocchio, and TV series Pocahontas: Princess of the American Indians and Simba: The King Lion. We can’t really fault the team for jumping on the Disney bandwagon, especially since most of those stories were stolen by Disney in the first place, but what we cannot forgive is that The Legend of Titanic has a F$(@*!-ing sequel: In Search of the Titanic, released in 2004. It’s one thing to make a career out of piggybacking off the latest film crazes and spinning out derivative products. It’s another to make a crappy film that butchers history, common sense, and good taste. But to make a sequel crappy film that butchers history, common sense and good taste, and somehow manages to be crappier than the original? That, my friends, is just cruel.
The Legend of the Titanic has a 1.6 on IMDB and no critic or audience reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. It is currently #25 on IMDB’s Bottom 100 list beating out Supercult Classics like #35 Space Mutiny, #57 Chairman of the Board, and #60 Zaat, but not quite eclipsing the awfulness of #21 Foodfight! or #5 Manos: Hands of Fate. Italian IMDB reviewer sweetjudy wrote, “There is Romance and love story in this movie. I can not believe that is extremely under-rated! If you let kids see this movie,they’ll laugh at it and enjoy it because it is made for their minds…At least this decent movie,unlike Satanic Disney does not show hidden subliminal sexual images. Disney Exposed Here: http://quicklol.com/Disney-subliminal-messages-collection/” Florida IMDB reviewer planktonrules writes, “Let’s talk about what I really liked about the film… Okay, finished.”
Who are you gunna believe Supercultists? Florida man, or crazy Italian mom??
Nothing on Earth Could Come Between Them, except an iceberg, some sharks, and the mother-flipping kraken!
The Supercult show proudly presents, The Legend of Titanic!