Hello Supercult West! This is Supercult South Bad Movie Professor Cameron Coker (BS in “Whitesnake” with a minor in “Rated R for ridiculous”) and I’m reaching out to you from across the country to help hype tonight’s screening of Crystal Heart!
Ever wonder what would happen if Jem from Jem and the Holograms fell in love with a super-rich version of bubble boy? Really? Okay, that’s a pretty weird thing to wonder about, but good for you because that’s basically the plot of Crystal Heart! Released in 1986 and starring absolute nobody Lee Curreri, as a guy with an ill-defined condition that requires him to spend all day in a white room full of 80s technology, and Tawny Kitaen as a pop star with an abusive and super skeevy manager who is apparently obsessed with getting her on the cover of the Enquirer for some reason. Kitaen was, at the time, known for her role as that one girl from the Bachelor Party movie, but is probably better known today as that one girl who dances on the cars in the music video for “Here I Go Again.”
Crystal Heart is supercult worthy first for being super lame and cliché, but also for forcing an R-rating for no apparent reason by including an incredibly awkward love scene in which our main characters strip down and then press against each other through the glass of bubble boy’s room, like a low budget porno rendition of Kirk and Spock in Wrath of Kahn! “You have and always shall be…irrevocably scarred by this scene.”
Crystal Heart is a film designed specifically for 2 types of people: People who wanted to see that Whitesnake chick’s boobs and People who compulsively collect Cabbage Patch Kids, Rubik’s Cubes, and other lovable garbage from the 80s. It just so happens that Supercult lives in the middle section of that particular bizarre Venn Diagram!
Supercult West proudly presents: Crystal Heart!